Bit of Fun from Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly’s 13 Things I Hate About People.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the $%#@ is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh, you just want your have your cake and eat it too”.
%$#@ing right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “It’s always in the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the would people keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film “Did you see that?”. No tosser, I paid ten quid to come to the cinema and stare at the $#@$king floor.

6. People who ask “Can I ask a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say “Life is short”. What the ? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever #@!$ing does! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone says “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob Head?

10. People who say things like “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.”. So, what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you’re eating something and someone asks “Is that nice?”. No, it’s revolting. I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that’s an image I really didn’t need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don’t understand you if you don’t insert the ‘Mc’ before every item you are ordering.... It has to be a McChicken burger, just a chicken burger gets blank looks....Well I’ll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you #@!$ing McTosser!

The Inspirational Toilet.....

When we were growing up, there were quotes that hung on the walls of the toilet. I always used to read them while doing my business and they've never left me -

People are just as happy as they make up their mind to be
Abraham Lincoln


What is a friend? I will tell you..... It is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.


Mum and Dad were truly inspirational people. For farmers, living out in the country, they really proved that it's not how much money you have, what kind of job you have that makes a difference, it's who you are and how you think. They were always kind and generous (and still are). They taught us that we could succeed in whatever we put our minds to. They let us sit in with adult conversations and surrounded us with people from all walks of life and social standing. They showed true courage and resilience in the face of adversity. And while I was often heard to complain about things growing up, I'm so thankful that I was lucky enough to have such wonderfully inspirational parents. I hope that my children will feel as I do when they look back on their childhood.

The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in the Crypts of Westminister Abbey:
When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.
But it, too seemed immovable.
As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.
And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If only I had changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.
From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world. ~Unknown